The Evite for my wedding shower went out yesterday. My wedding shower. I am having a wedding shower. Because I am getting married. Married. When did this happen? Where was I? What is going on?
You'd think that picking out a wedding dress would have made me realize. Or maybe buying wedding rings. And getting them engraved. Or sending out wedding invitations. Or planning a reception. Or a thousand other tasks we've done in the past three months. But no. Somehow, looking at the Evite for my wedding shower . . . well, it hits me in a way I wouldn't have expected. People are coming. It's been less than 24 hours and 20 people have RSVP'd. They're coming to celebrate my upcoming marriage.
I had a related revelation the other day, as I realized that it's only 30-something days til the wedding. (36 today). I knew this. I knew it was coming. We're doing a countdown through Psalms, so I read Psalm 45 and knew it was 45 days til the wedding . . . read Psalm 40 and knew it was 40 days . . . every time I look at our wedding website, I see the banner across the top that says how many days we have left. But none of that sunk in. Until the HTB mentioned it the other day. And then my brain exploded. That's . . . so not very many days! And I swear they keep going by faster and faster. For a while there, I would think, man, it's been 11 weeks to the wedding forever! When will it be 10 weeks? Why is this taking so long? Now I'm like, "It's 5 weeks tomorrow? Where have I been? Wasn't it just 6 weeks?" It feels like a train I can't stop. It just keeps coming, picking up speed as it comes.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I want the train not to reach the destination. In some ways, I wish it were already here. But sometimes I wish I could just slow it down. Even pause it for a minute. Take a breath. Get my bearings.
It's not dissimilar to the feeling I had when he proposed. I told him I needed a minute . . . and then I waited for my brain to slow down, my breathing to regulate. I waited for my brain to get a handle on the situation, for my heart to stop racing. I wanted to chaos and panic and whirlwind to pass so I could respond from a place of cool, collected rationality. But the moment didn't come. My breathing didn't slow down, my heart didn't relax, my mind whirled around a mile a minute with no sign of stopping. There was no calm, no restful, cool stillness from which to speak. And when I realized that, realized that the chaos in my mind wasn't going anywhere, I went ahead and answered from the storm. Because after all, I knew the answer. I had known for a while. So I wasn't rushed, even if I sort of felt rushed. I felt like I was in a whirlwind, and I wanted to answer from a place of calm. But the calm wasn't there. So I answered anyway.
I begin to suspect that the rest of life is going to be this way. I know the answer. I know I want to marry him. I want to marry him more today than I did when he first proposed. But I confess that I also want to push the pause button for a bit, tell everyone (including myself) to just chill the heck out for a bit while I catch my breath. Then, once I get my brain around the situation, then we can press play again. Except there is no pause button. The train keeps rolling, the reel keeps spinning, and life marches on. And let's be honest. Even if I had a pause button, I cannot honestly say I'd every be fully ready. That moment of calm is just a fantasy. The reality is I'd be overwhelmed by marriage no matter how much time I had.
So once again I have to answer from the storm. I know this is the choice I want, I know it is good. And I will stick to it, even if my Vulcan heart wants to hold off until I can be coolly logical, instead of frantically discombobulated. Because life doesn't wait for you to be ready. It keeps coming. And God doesn't promise to equip you ahead of time. He gives grace for the moment, peace for today. So I remind myself to trust Him, and then duck my head and press on through the storm.
(Apologies for all the mixed metaphors, BTW.)
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